I have barely done much and i realised it has been weeks since apr 29.

Oh well.

Today i realised that one of my deepest darkest secret is : I dont like yogurt.

But i never dare to admit to other people because i did not want to come across as unhealthy. So i have this love dislike relationship with yogurt. I dont like it but i keep trying to like it. I keep trying to like it because i dont want to have brittle bones and I need calcium. Milk is to typical. Too much cheese is fattening and I am not sure how organic it is. So yogurt seems to be the best. BUt it doesnt help that news keep saying how they lie about how much sugar content and calories they contained. Just makes me dislike yogurt more.

Wacky Queen, I still love latte. That has never changed even though a lot has.

The title portion can be risky. Last week, i felt like posting up some thoughts but when my mind was blank when it comes to thinking of a suitable title. I gave up the idea of blogging that night. SO … whenever i have no idea what my post is gonna be, i will just use random titles like the above.

If i could meet Father Time, I seriously want to ask him to cut me some slack. I plan alot. but I never execute them on the schedule I planned on. I’m trying, dude. I’m lazy but I’m trying to improve okay. HAHA!

For example, at least during the day while i was in office, I told myself that I will clean up my bedroom when i got home from work. But i totally forgot about it until like midnight. geez.

Then again, it’s not entirely my fault as the weather here these days is psychotically humid. It’s so psycho it’s unbelievable. The moment i step out of a cool aircon office. within a minute of just relaxed pace walking and I am not exaggerating here, my whole head and neck starts dripping sweat… Awful! After feeling such heat, anyone wld feel really tired and wolud just want to not move in a cool room and just relax so to avoid sweating again.

 Or do i have to say ‘perspire”?

Snippets of things that i’m going through the past couple of weeks are:

1. im really tired of being lazy. im searching for that rhythm where I can continously be more motivated and more cheerful. I want more energy.

2. i’m annoyed at my boss. trying to avoid having to converse with him too much.

3. i have to start waking up normal hours. It’s madness to wake up so late but it’s my own fault sleeping so late too! Yikes!

4. i am angry at people who are cruel to animals. Can I hurt them?

cost of living is so high here.

I’m actually feeling it. My landlord has asked for double my current rent when my lease ends in a couple of months and I realised that life really isnt a bed of roses.

I am so unprepared for anything. Maybe i like being in a rush

hahahahah

I have to interview someone this afternoon and i am not changed yet and it’s already 1141am. I have yet to print the map to where i am supposed to go or find my digital camera.

Crazy?

Insane?

Maybe i just like the rush…

This is abit weird, but yet it’s nice and familiar. It’s like returning to an old habit after a long, long vacation.

The weird part was that I had actually given up all hope that I would go back to writing here. I thought that I wasnt the same and I didnt have any life in me, therefore I had no more inspiration to write the crap I used to write.

Of course, the best part was the warm welcome from deadfox & hungerfan.. Thank you

Oddly enough, I probably did the least over my long disappearance compared to the two years I was writing in here. I think those were the busiest craziest days where every day was a spontaneous “so, what’s next today?” day. I miss it but I guess there’s no way we can just stay put in time, when time doesnt stay put for us. Oh well…

I dont think I am good at telling long detailed stories ala anne rice style HAHA.. but I will try to give some form of update..

Relationship status:

Unfortunately, as much as I might like to be (as in my previously imagined fantasies) that I would wed before turning 30, that obviously did not happen (since I started my line with the word = Unfortunately). BUT fortunately, I am in a erm.. some form of stable pretty long term by my standards, relationship with karl. Everything seems okay. I guess. I am not sure but what the heck? who is anyways? All I know is I am grateful and appreciative of the fact that my life is comfortable and stable *grin*

Cynism status:

Yes, I am still as cynical as the above described. :P So what? I am the way I am. It’s really difficult to change a person’s nature you know? I tried so many damn ways to turn myself into a totally happy positive cheerful sunshine girl, I am still NOT. I am less torn, broken, suffered inside nowadays. Age kinda acts like camomile when it comes to this sorta angst. They just mellow away. There’s still traces though. I still love swearing. I had dressing up all feminine and shit. It’s tiring seriously. VERY tiring. I like being myself but unfortunately for karl, being myself erm kinda means i am like a filthy mouth sailor reborn in all his glory except some missing parts and extra set of boobs.

alcoholism status:

Hey, I thought I quit you know. I thought I was once again clear headed. Being more matured more responsible. NOT!!!!!!!!! my fridge has some leftover cocktail from sunday, and I have been then sipping it last night and just a few minutes ago. Oh, good news though, I dont binge anymore. I had an incident late in 2007 where I overdrank for the night (by my asian blood, lack of some particular enzyme standards not more like 5 knead drinks) I had to go to the emergency room because it was too early in the morning, the clinic was not open, and I could not stop vomitting so doctor stuck a drip in me and told me to lie in that goddamn awful uncomfortable hospital bed for 3 hours. He would not let me go home even though after my first hour i asked to. Ever since then, I kinda became more careful with sucking back the alcoholic liquids in case I end up there again.

job status:

I finally manage to land myself something different from what I was doing and whining from before. And of course, the high heavens just wanted to teach me a lesson. The experience was more of me being slapped in the face and told - I TOLD YOU SO. It is an eye opener. Being an “editor” for an organisation and projects that not very well-received, has made me realised that writing may not be what I should do for a living. The good part though is the fact that my hours are shorter. I get to behave like a moron and get away with it. and thus I get to spend my life more outside of the office which was what I used to want. So much.

Nevertheless, my hours in my office are still excruiating. Ever more, as I have changed my image that I am more of a non-attractive, boring, loser, nerdy, antisocial, low EQ person at the workplace. Guys dont take a second glance at me ( i think so) as I try my best to dress boring or “auntie-ish” aka senior lady-like.  So my hours are excruiatingly boring because i am not getting the attention that i was used to and there’s no cute guys to motivate me.

josh lafayette status:

If i have never mentoned earlier before, he is married. but coincidentally he messaged me online (just now for me to tell some stories since i am writing here today) and asked me how am i and stated that i look like i am still as nocturnal as i used to be long ago when we used to talk to each other.  I have days where I regretted not saying yes to him, simply because i was feeling depressed and I wanted to be hitched already and Josh gave me the feeling that if we went out back then by now he would have made sure we were married already. But of course, those are the moody hormonal irrational days. On my rational days, I feel a tinge of regret not dating him but I have no regret whatsoever not marrying him. Why? I am I dont know. I just did not have feelings for him till so far into the future. He was just my mini crush. But he just seem like such a nice guy.

world view status:

Deadfox, I finally understand why vegetarians can be vegetarians. I am not one but I have thought about it. I even voiced out to k about it but he said that it’s a ridiculous idea because he wld prefer having him to be able to share the nice food with him when we are out having food. For him, nice food usually includes meat.  My shift in perspective is due to my reading some stuff books, articles and I feel really bad about how animals are treated at slaughter houses and animals in general. They can think and have feelings. So how can we eat them!? it’s ridiculous. but sadly we do. and to many, its normal, its fine. it’s how we live.

I am sad to say I am not a vegetarian but I did promise myself that I would avoid meat whenever I can without straining my relationship.  In other words, I have stopped eating meat when I am not around karl. I also introduced mushrooms and vegetables to k so the amount of meat we do consume is alot less than before.

I love mushrooms.

fitness & wellness status:

I am still a fat bastard. I am trying though. To improve this state. It’s crucial coz all i feel right now is myself deteriorating into an ugly old maid-hood.

as much as I might love to continue, my nonsensical garbles, I have decided to call it a night here.

I’m back from a long long time of wordlessness. Its time to say hello again.

Am tired of doing something i dont believe in anymore.

No wonder people like to use the term “going nowhere”

Yes, that’s how it feels like.

One of the tougher things to face: colleague who stinks of coffee so badly. Not even the nice coffee smell. Stale Stale..

i put on braces because i want to straighten my teeth. it has made me more self conscious when i speak and it is so difficult to eat. I expected it to be trouble some but not as much as what I am experiencing now. I am amazed by how much tension one string of metal can put on my teeth. hehehe.

******

Gosh, today I am just so bored. I Think it has something to do with the fact that I am not in the mood to do any thing in particular which is very efficient.

I am tired. I realised that although it’s nice to have people to talk to once in awhile. it can be pretty tiresome having to talk non stop whenever you see people. tHat is because some people can talk so much it’s unbelievable. My mouth hurts from talking so much *LOL*

It’s friday and i am at home again..yet again.

This is kinda a rut cycle huh? Oh well, what to do? my other half is tired, and he wants to rest from his stressful long week. I think it’s quiet nice to have a quiet dinner at home, comfortably too. We watched les miserables, the movie. Not too bad. I just dont understand why that evil cop has to commit suicide? he cannot accept the fact that he’s beliefs in life were all wrong?

… opps abit too high to write ..

Geez.. for some reason, despite my active weekend, I could not sleep yesterday night. It must have been that tea i drank at 6pm yesterday. It kept me up the whole night!!

So by 645am I was awake already. So I thought I just started prepping my work anyways, since i am up. Then while thinking back my schedule, I realised that I have such a packed schedule.

So apart from office politics that I have to bear with. Yups, I somehow got dragged into office politics just because this girl doesnt like me at all. Jealousy says someone. Or it could just been our chemistry dont match you know. I mean, my character has always been “thou shall bow down to no one” and she’s the kind that needs to be in control at all times, so she hates me.

Despite the fact, that I have been minding my own business and I tolerated her alot she has been backstabbing me in all angles. Telling everyone how bad i am. yada-yada. EVerything thinks we had an argument just because she exaggerated her story when in fact, she is fuming because I am not affected by her immature shit. So she tells everyone how upset and angry she is at me.

Anyways, I will always keep my stand and stay neutral. She can flame me however she wants. I am self assured enough to not have to feel threatened by her at all. If my boss who do kinda like her because of her “assertiveness” and he said he doesnt mind her stepping on a few people’s foot to get things done, wana fire me over her being unhappy at me. Go ahead. If an employment can fire someone over such shit, then be my guest. Besides, its not like this is my dream job or whatever.

On a happier note, I had a busy weekend. Getting the family together is not as easy anymore. I think its because my mum’s has a crazy schedule despite the fact she is supposed to have retired. She says she gonna be able to have the weekend off and take one day leave as well. But it turns out that she totally cant even get her weekend free because they had like really long meeting on saturday. So we had a family gathering to celebrate my mum and brother’s birthday without my mum.

Then on Sunday , I managed to make a trip out to sentosa and check out the dolphin lagoon. The lagoon really sucks seriously. Cant really see much and its just plastic chairs. The ticket prices should have been cheaper. I hate the way the MC speaks. Maybe his forte is animal training but i cannot understand what he is saying even though he is speaking english. The cheesy story lines and all, I think some creativity has gotta stop the cheesy story lines. it gives me the creeps. like having to tolerate watching a bad soap opera just because i want to see a certain actor in it.

Also did the typical walked around the Under water world thingys, touched and fed some stingrays and finally touched a snake because it happened to be there. I did not want to buy the 8 dollar photo taken of me and the snake around me simply because i know they extracted the fangs and the snake felt so limp, i was getting worried that it was once abused hence its seems not to have any passion to want to attack anymore. He doesnt even seem curious. Then again, singapore is pretty strict, so i do hope the snake is just docile because hes so utterly full. So ultimately, I just dont feel like encouraging any trade that I am unsure of.

Going to make my coffee now and face my long long tiring day ahead.