Oh yes i do.

Was watching an episode of the american idol 8 (yes, this is definitely a sign of being a tv junkie), and one of the contestants who was really not very impressionable to me, just so totally looked hot when he sang the song Falling Slowly. For a sec, i wished that I was the girl he was singing to.

From there, I started fantasizing about how i’d so melt if some guy serenade that song to me ( with feelings of course) or any other silly girlie sucker songs like, “Have you ever really loved a woman” or “Endless Love”, quoting these since I just heard them, I would just so melt.  Add on a guitar or piano playing skills. HAHA! Those thoughts really brought me back to feeling like a silly young girl again.

But of course, I have never been courted or dated someone really musically talented when I was a young girl. Sure, here and there, were guys who could play a little guitar, but no one who actually loved me enough and was at the same time talented enough to serenade me. Maybe that’s why that idea seems so desirable.

I play a lot with these silly and trivial thoughts because I am lonely person. But nowadays, whenever i feel the pain of loneliness, I remind myself that everyone in this world feels loneliness now and then. It’s not a specific emotion to me. But of course, finding no other ways to relieve this pain (like talking to close friends/family - i have none), I’d find channels to cope with it. Writing is a nice one. It helps me reflect. Helps me remember. Helps me forget. Other channels, of course, I would not be comfortable writing it out here. But I know every day as a I grow older, I fear that I may one day become schizophrenic.

Another thing I miss about being young is the fact that I can’t just drown my sorrows via drinking & pill popping anymore. The body ain’t what it used to be. Instead of being happy high, I have to throw up all night. Instead of happy high, I get anxiety attacks when it gets difficult to breathe. Smoking is digusting. I can never understand anyone’s need to smoke. What other vices am I left with? None. Shit. This is what growing up is really about.

Sometimes, the simplest facts about life and love, are never fully appreciated until we experienced it first hand, ourselves.

Love can sprout expectedly, from the more expected places.

Love can grow and bloom through the passage of time, when we discover little things that melts our hearts.

Love is patience. No matter how hard, no matter how difficult.

Love never dies.

Love can bring upon miracles. We just need to open our eyes and see it. Quieten our hearts and listen.

Love can takeaway nightmares.

Love can abolish fear.

Love can create strength.

It can show us courage, during times of turmoil.

Love makes everything beautiful, despite the curse of time.

Love makes us want to share the gift of time.

Love gives us a collection of eternal memories, that we may one day call our heaven.

I know I have irregular sleep, and I dont sleep enough, or at the right time. But I am trying.. to be back to normal healthy human hours, especially when I dont feel too fit anymore. I am definitely sure it’s caused by my crazy sleep patterns. I was trying to sleep since 2am and I just cant fall asleep.

Dr. Oz said that, if we cant sleep within 15-30mins. Get up and do stuff.  So i guess that’s what I am doing right now. Getting up and doing stuff.

Partly also, lately I have been watching reruns of x-files. Who does that? haha I am just too bored. So I dont dare to sleep in the dark lately!

I had mango pudding rice for dessert at lunch today. It was Yummy! Maybe I’ll get Carl to get it again tomorrow. $4 bucks though. Food is just getting more and more pricey, and recession is just making me earn less & less money. I mean where’s the balance here…

Okay I shall not complain too much. In times of darkness, Shall hold on to the light, no matter how corny it is. Like how that overly popular book, The Secret (i bought it because Oprah & my close friend kept talking abt it)… we all must think positive and believe we will get what we want, and we will get what we want..

Well, previously, I dont really subscribe to such self-help stuff.. Cause to me its just crap authors write to make money, since they are just essentially telling us what we already know. But since no one likes to be told that we are losers simply because we are simply fat asses sitting around doing nothing but watching shows that advertise such books.. everyone would be a little bit more successful but just getting our fat asses up..

But oh well, who likes to be called fat ass by someone else? Therefore those books work. Sounds nice, sounds like there’s hope out there, and no name calling. Yeah, it’s not your fault. It’s the universe’s, so we gotta work around it.

But anyways, I gotta try to think positive anyways right now, because I have no other ideas on how to get on with my crap life and make it better. Therefore just try to do whatever it is that seems to tick.

i’m gonna try to wake up by 9am tomorrow no matter how late I end up sleeping tonight. We’ll see… HAHAHA

hmm.. after awhile, it’s awkward to start.

What do I share?

Well, my neighbours downstairs were having an argument. A couple. Caucasian guy and Singaporean girl. Girl was yelling and yelling at her boyfriend (presumably), and when he got annoyed, his counter-response was “i had enough. I want you to move out now.” The girl, had a pause (probably shocked) started to whine about, how she does not want to move out, kept asking what did she do wrong, etc.

Yes, I am a nosey poker, since I have no life.

But of course, after listening in, wait.. evesdropping on that argument, I somehow just felt that, relationships are better when both parties are equal in financially and in social status. It’s tough, when being in a relationship, when one party is either alot more well off financially or from a socially elite family while the other is just average joe/jane. There’s just bargaining power is there?

Back to myself, I am a terrible couch potato. I hope I can change. Improve myself, I mean. chang my bad habits. Would like to be the best of every aspect that I am, but will take sometime. I’d like it to be soon.

I have barely done much and i realised it has been weeks since apr 29.

Oh well.

Today i realised that one of my deepest darkest secret is : I dont like yogurt.

But i never dare to admit to other people because i did not want to come across as unhealthy. So i have this love dislike relationship with yogurt. I dont like it but i keep trying to like it. I keep trying to like it because i dont want to have brittle bones and I need calcium. Milk is to typical. Too much cheese is fattening and I am not sure how organic it is. So yogurt seems to be the best. BUt it doesnt help that news keep saying how they lie about how much sugar content and calories they contained. Just makes me dislike yogurt more.

Wacky Queen, I still love latte. That has never changed even though a lot has.

The title portion can be risky. Last week, i felt like posting up some thoughts but when my mind was blank when it comes to thinking of a suitable title. I gave up the idea of blogging that night. SO … whenever i have no idea what my post is gonna be, i will just use random titles like the above.

If i could meet Father Time, I seriously want to ask him to cut me some slack. I plan alot. but I never execute them on the schedule I planned on. I’m trying, dude. I’m lazy but I’m trying to improve okay. HAHA!

For example, at least during the day while i was in office, I told myself that I will clean up my bedroom when i got home from work. But i totally forgot about it until like midnight. geez.

Then again, it’s not entirely my fault as the weather here these days is psychotically humid. It’s so psycho it’s unbelievable. The moment i step out of a cool aircon office. within a minute of just relaxed pace walking and I am not exaggerating here, my whole head and neck starts dripping sweat… Awful! After feeling such heat, anyone wld feel really tired and wolud just want to not move in a cool room and just relax so to avoid sweating again.

 Or do i have to say ‘perspire”?

Snippets of things that i’m going through the past couple of weeks are:

1. im really tired of being lazy. im searching for that rhythm where I can continously be more motivated and more cheerful. I want more energy.

2. i’m annoyed at my boss. trying to avoid having to converse with him too much.

3. i have to start waking up normal hours. It’s madness to wake up so late but it’s my own fault sleeping so late too! Yikes!

4. i am angry at people who are cruel to animals. Can I hurt them?

cost of living is so high here.

I’m actually feeling it. My landlord has asked for double my current rent when my lease ends in a couple of months and I realised that life really isnt a bed of roses.

I am so unprepared for anything. Maybe i like being in a rush

hahahahah

I have to interview someone this afternoon and i am not changed yet and it’s already 1141am. I have yet to print the map to where i am supposed to go or find my digital camera.

Crazy?

Insane?

Maybe i just like the rush…

This is abit weird, but yet it’s nice and familiar. It’s like returning to an old habit after a long, long vacation.

The weird part was that I had actually given up all hope that I would go back to writing here. I thought that I wasnt the same and I didnt have any life in me, therefore I had no more inspiration to write the crap I used to write.

Of course, the best part was the warm welcome from deadfox & hungerfan.. Thank you

Oddly enough, I probably did the least over my long disappearance compared to the two years I was writing in here. I think those were the busiest craziest days where every day was a spontaneous “so, what’s next today?” day. I miss it but I guess there’s no way we can just stay put in time, when time doesnt stay put for us. Oh well…

I dont think I am good at telling long detailed stories ala anne rice style HAHA.. but I will try to give some form of update..

Relationship status:

Unfortunately, as much as I might like to be (as in my previously imagined fantasies) that I would wed before turning 30, that obviously did not happen (since I started my line with the word = Unfortunately). BUT fortunately, I am in a erm.. some form of stable pretty long term by my standards, relationship with karl. Everything seems okay. I guess. I am not sure but what the heck? who is anyways? All I know is I am grateful and appreciative of the fact that my life is comfortable and stable *grin*

Cynism status:

Yes, I am still as cynical as the above described. :P So what? I am the way I am. It’s really difficult to change a person’s nature you know? I tried so many damn ways to turn myself into a totally happy positive cheerful sunshine girl, I am still NOT. I am less torn, broken, suffered inside nowadays. Age kinda acts like camomile when it comes to this sorta angst. They just mellow away. There’s still traces though. I still love swearing. I had dressing up all feminine and shit. It’s tiring seriously. VERY tiring. I like being myself but unfortunately for karl, being myself erm kinda means i am like a filthy mouth sailor reborn in all his glory except some missing parts and extra set of boobs.

alcoholism status:

Hey, I thought I quit you know. I thought I was once again clear headed. Being more matured more responsible. NOT!!!!!!!!! my fridge has some leftover cocktail from sunday, and I have been then sipping it last night and just a few minutes ago. Oh, good news though, I dont binge anymore. I had an incident late in 2007 where I overdrank for the night (by my asian blood, lack of some particular enzyme standards not more like 5 knead drinks) I had to go to the emergency room because it was too early in the morning, the clinic was not open, and I could not stop vomitting so doctor stuck a drip in me and told me to lie in that goddamn awful uncomfortable hospital bed for 3 hours. He would not let me go home even though after my first hour i asked to. Ever since then, I kinda became more careful with sucking back the alcoholic liquids in case I end up there again.

job status:

I finally manage to land myself something different from what I was doing and whining from before. And of course, the high heavens just wanted to teach me a lesson. The experience was more of me being slapped in the face and told - I TOLD YOU SO. It is an eye opener. Being an “editor” for an organisation and projects that not very well-received, has made me realised that writing may not be what I should do for a living. The good part though is the fact that my hours are shorter. I get to behave like a moron and get away with it. and thus I get to spend my life more outside of the office which was what I used to want. So much.

Nevertheless, my hours in my office are still excruiating. Ever more, as I have changed my image that I am more of a non-attractive, boring, loser, nerdy, antisocial, low EQ person at the workplace. Guys dont take a second glance at me ( i think so) as I try my best to dress boring or “auntie-ish” aka senior lady-like.  So my hours are excruiatingly boring because i am not getting the attention that i was used to and there’s no cute guys to motivate me.

josh lafayette status:

If i have never mentoned earlier before, he is married. but coincidentally he messaged me online (just now for me to tell some stories since i am writing here today) and asked me how am i and stated that i look like i am still as nocturnal as i used to be long ago when we used to talk to each other.  I have days where I regretted not saying yes to him, simply because i was feeling depressed and I wanted to be hitched already and Josh gave me the feeling that if we went out back then by now he would have made sure we were married already. But of course, those are the moody hormonal irrational days. On my rational days, I feel a tinge of regret not dating him but I have no regret whatsoever not marrying him. Why? I am I dont know. I just did not have feelings for him till so far into the future. He was just my mini crush. But he just seem like such a nice guy.

world view status:

Deadfox, I finally understand why vegetarians can be vegetarians. I am not one but I have thought about it. I even voiced out to k about it but he said that it’s a ridiculous idea because he wld prefer having him to be able to share the nice food with him when we are out having food. For him, nice food usually includes meat.  My shift in perspective is due to my reading some stuff books, articles and I feel really bad about how animals are treated at slaughter houses and animals in general. They can think and have feelings. So how can we eat them!? it’s ridiculous. but sadly we do. and to many, its normal, its fine. it’s how we live.

I am sad to say I am not a vegetarian but I did promise myself that I would avoid meat whenever I can without straining my relationship.  In other words, I have stopped eating meat when I am not around karl. I also introduced mushrooms and vegetables to k so the amount of meat we do consume is alot less than before.

I love mushrooms.

fitness & wellness status:

I am still a fat bastard. I am trying though. To improve this state. It’s crucial coz all i feel right now is myself deteriorating into an ugly old maid-hood.

as much as I might love to continue, my nonsensical garbles, I have decided to call it a night here.

I’m back from a long long time of wordlessness. Its time to say hello again.